How to plan kinky sex when life keeps getting in the way

Image by the genius Stuart F Taylor

Kinky sex very rarely just ‘happens.’ It takes planning and preparation and time and conversation and all that other stuff. Even in a relationship where you know you’re both keen to do it, it can be weirdly difficult to set aside time to turn off Netflix and indulge in the kind of fucking you can reminisce about for weeks to come. Recently someone asked me for some tips on how to plan and initiate kinky sex, so for what it’s worth, here’s how I make sure I’ve got a regular serving of dick in my diary.

Planning and prepping kinky sex

In my Google Calendar, February 7th is currently blocked out in purple for a day known as ‘Double Cream Day.’ It’s not a national holiday, it’s in there because I became overwhelmed with sadness a few days after New Year, when we’d finally eaten all the double cream that had been stashed in the fridge since Christmas. My little heart sank as I realised it would be a full year before I’d eat double cream again, and my life would be bereft of this delicious stuff for a full twelve months.

Then my partner reminded me that they sell double cream all year round, and the only thing stopping me from eating it was my own forgetfulness, so we invented Double Cream Day. On the 7th of February 2019 I will go to Marks and Spencer and buy a massive sticky toffee pudding and a bucket of double cream, then we’ll hunker down under a blanket and scoff the entire lot. Yum.

What’s this got to do with fucking, though?

Well recently, Phoenix Rose (who has guest blogged for me before on ‘alpha males‘ and sleepy subspace) asked me to write a blog post about initiating kinky sex. Not about foreplay or seduction or how to say ‘fancy a shag?’, but how to plan and execute those filthy nights where the whole point of them is to just fuck the living daylights out of each other.

As he explained:

“We have no problem starting sex, but new stuff (or stuff we’ve not done since the early days when you’re testing each others boundaries) can be tricky to get started. With previous partners, especially if you don’t live together, you can have everything set up and they’re coming round with the intention of kinky fun. But when you live together sometimes one of you comes home just not in the mood. Or you can be swapping sexy texts but upon arrival there’s other shit that needs doing.”

So basically: how do you get out of the routine of sitting on the sofa (eating sticky toffee pudding and double cream), and initiate a night of debauchery? Or as he very eloquently put it:

“Going from ‘how about that next episode of *** on Netflix’ to ‘let’s a make a sexy night to reminisce about when we’re old.’”

I am yours to command, so although I can’t guarantee brilliant solutions, I can tell you how I do it.

1. “Let’s have a night.”

In my house, ‘a night’ is a euphemism. Broadly it means ‘let’s have a two-person sex party.’ Practically what it means is that the two of us – usually on a Saturday – finish all our chores and work early, shower and put on clothes that make us feel sexy, pop on a playlist of tunes we love, then spend the evening hanging out in our own house as if it’s a bar. We put our phones away, mix each other cocktails, line up a bunch of sex toys we’ve been meaning to try out or get reacquainted with, and then see where the night takes us.

It’s basically ‘date night’ but indoors, where we can fuck. It usually goes through a few different stages – dancing with each other, fucking each other, using different sex toys, watching porn that my partner’s bookmarked as stuff I might like, and other exciting things.

Key to it is the fact that we both decide in the morning that we’re going to ‘have a night’, so each of us has the day to think about what we might or might not want to do. It’s not guaranteed to end in sex, because sometimes we ‘have a night’ and just end up chatting a lot and getting reacquainted, and one or other of us isn’t in the mood. But the fact that we’ve established that most of these nights end in fucking makes it easier for both of us to make suggestions that would normally seem too ‘out there’ for a standard weeknight.

Past ‘nights’ we’ve done have resulted in me getting fucked by a machine, him getting milked of spunk by a machine, the culmination of my butt plug training, me getting spanked in some special silk shorts he bought me, and a whole lot more besides.

2. Joint bucket list

A few weeks before Christmas, when we were having ‘a night’, my partner and I collaborated on a sex bucket list for 2019. Which sounds ridiculously cheesy, to be honest. He was initially sceptical of the idea of making one because most of the sex things we want fall into two categories:

  • things we’ve done already
  • things we can’t really do because they’re impractical, or because our own limits and insecurities mean we’d prefer them to stay as fantasy

So what’s the point of writing a bucket list? Well, the one we’ve written mostly involves items which say ‘more of X’, where X might be something we’ve tried over the last few years and would really like to do again. ‘More X with this particular person’ or ‘more Y with this sex toy’ or ‘revisiting the kink for Z which we had three years ago and seem to have forgotten about.’ Your bucket list doesn’t need to be performative, where you’re listing ‘out there’ fetishes neither of you have tried before, it’s just a thing you create to give you a guide on what you’d both like to do a little more of.

3. ‘Double cream day’

Here’s where my calendar planning comes into play. If you have roaringly good fun with a particular sex toy, role play or other kinky scenario, don’t just reminisce about it the next day as if it were a fun thing that may only happen once. If you both enjoyed it, why not stick a random day in your calendar for a few weeks/months time (depending on how often you want to get up to this stuff) and designate it ‘Marmite wrestling day’? You don’t necessarily have to do the Marmite wrestling on the exact date you put it in – you may have other important business to attend to, so you reschedule it as the date approaches. Just as I might need to reschedule ‘Double Cream Day’ if they don’t happen to have any in the shop when I go to buy it.

But when the day approaches and you’re trying to book meetings, evenings out and other stuff in your diary, you’ll come up against Marmite wrestling day and remember how much you enjoyed it, which will (hopefully) prompt you to ask your fellow Marmite wrestler if they fancy another bout.

4. Sex toy spring cleaning

It’s the start(ish) of a new year, so if you have a bunch of sex toys gathering dust in a drawer, why not get them all out, set them all over your bed like a giant kinky obstacle course, and discuss which of them you’d like to use again. It’s a great chance for a clear-out, and an even better chance to remind yourself of sexy nights you’ve had in the past.

Marie Kondo the shit out of it. Pick up each item individually, hold it in your hands, and ask yourself (and your partner) ‘does this spark joy?’ Make a pile of joy-sparking sex toys, and either stick some nights in your calendar to use each one individually, getting reacquainted with the butt plugs you love, or – my personal favourite – challenge yourselves to see if you can use all of them in a single evening.

5. Keep a sex diary

I don’t keep a sex diary, because I have a sex blog. And conveniently my sex blog documents some (though by no means all – I do have to have some privacy, you know) of the hotter things I’ve done over the last few years. I also regularly tweet and facebook old blog posts. When an old blog post comes up with something I’d like to do again, I send it to my dude and say ‘mate, we haven’t played Cock Hero in AGES. Can we do it tonight?’

You don’t need to be a sex blogger to do this. Documenting your sex life – even if it’s just in a document you share with your partner, or a notebook you keep beside your bed – can be a good way of keeping track of the things you loved, and remembering those little details of hotness that might otherwise vanish in the mists of time or get kicked out of your memory by great quotes from that Netflix show you’re binge-watching. Flick through your notes every now and then when you’re cuddled up on the sofa together, and use them as the basis for planning kinky sex further down the line.

Kinky sex doesn’t just ‘happen’

In my life, there have been a few shiningly beautiful nights that felt to me like they just ‘happened’ – youthful snogs and gropes which seemed to blossom from nowhere, or threesomes that appeared to just fall into place. The key word here, though, is ‘appeared.’ Most of the time, sex doesn’t just flow naturally – one minute you’re watching The Good Place and the next you’re spraying sex juice all over each other in a paddling pool filled with strawberry custard. Even the nights that look spontaneous in my memories turn out to have involved a lot of planning – whether it was me whispering into people’s ears about how so-and-so fancied them and I reckon might be up for a threesome if they wanted it, or someone else planning a scenario then inviting me along, or two people just making an active choice to set aside the other parts of our lives and treat ourselves to a deviant fucknight.

How you plan your kinky sex is up to you, and you may be much better than I am at making things happen naturally, but I think if you’re in a relationship and you’d both like to have more kinky sex, the best thing you can do is have a conversation where you both make an active choice to do it. Say ‘yes, I want this’ together. Once you’ve agreed that you both want it, the rest is all detail: discovering tricks and hacks that’ll help you carve out time for each other, and tools (like sex toy clearouts, diaries, cocktails or playlists) that work as inspiration for you.

And there you have it. Some rare practical advice from the woman who usually just brings you political rambles and oh-shit-I-came-while-I-wrote-this porn. Carve out some time, plan yourself some kinky sex, and make sure to celebrate your achievements when double cream day rolls round.

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