The Wankonomicon: Danger wank, business wank and procrasturbation

Image by the fantastic Stuart F Taylor

Please welcome back sex toy correspondent Luke aka @Beardynoise! He dropped by in May to give you the run-down on his favourite ever masturbator – the Tenga Flip Hole – and now I’ve asked him back to offer up some more sex toy recommendations, alongside giving a run-down of different ways to masturbate. Today: the business wank, the danger wank, and procrasturbation… 

The Wankonomicon: Ways to masturbate

Volume I: Danger wank, business wank and procrasturbation

Oh, Wanking. Self Sex. The Five Knuckle Shuffle. Jilling off. Flicking the bean. Visiting Rosie Palm and her five beautiful daughters. Cracking one out. Onanism. Expelling your demons. I could go on (but I won’t) – wanking is probably one of humanity’s favourite pastimes, having been invented by Prince in 1969 (nice).

Prince’s discovery of wanking was such a critical moment in the evolution of reality that it actually tore a hole in space-time, disrupting the time-stream but gifting humanity with the ability to masturbate from day 1, which explains the numerous references to masturbation we can see in ancient texts (Onan in the bible, numerous mentions in roman poetry, Egyptian mythology, etc) and also why we enjoy doing it so much.

In honour of the humble wank, I have compiled a small taxonomy of wanks. A bestiary of masturbation. An almanac of jerking off. Here are some wanks that you may experience in life. Is there an important subclass of wank that’s missing from the list? Tell me about it in the comments! Whilst I’ve done a lot of wanking, and also find it a frequent topic of discussion, my wank knowledge is far from complete, and as an able-bodied & male identified penis possessor, it’s literally impossible for me to experience every type of wank. What begins here is what will hopefully one day be a complete list of wanks from all across humanity: a sort of Wankonomicon if you will. As Girl on the Net’s sex toy correspondent I’m also going to offer a few toy recommendations for each type of wank, so if you fancy upping your masturbatory game you can do so at the click of a button. Think of me as a sommelier but for getting yourself off. What’s more, I’ve found affiliate links for each toy so if you buy anything, a small cut of the money will go to GOTN to help keep this site running and keep her (and me) stocked up with lube and sex toys of our own.

But enough preface. Even Samuel Johnson had to start somewhere (‘somewhere’ actually being ‘Aardvark’), so let’s crack on with The Wankonomicon (volume 1)…

The Business Wank (Aka ‘Cleaning the pipes’ aka ‘The mind-quickie’)

Business Wanks are the domain of Mind over Matter. You’ve got stuff to do, maybe it’s an essay, maybe it’s some important work, maybe there’s just a decision that you’re unsure about. The Business Wank is an effective means of clearing the mind, via the medium of triggering that good good endorphin rush through quick, efficient manual stimulation. Generally over within five minutes, because you’re busy! You can’t just wank the day away!

Toys wise you want something with power, efficiency and speed, and nobody does those like Doxy. Use GOTN15 for 15% off anything on their site, plus free shipping.

If you’re after a prostate toy for the Business Wank, the Nexus Sparta will definitely* make you come in less than 300 seconds.

*maybe

Procrasturbation (Aka ‘just one more wank’ aka ‘well I might as well’)

Procrasturbation is when you’ve got important stuff to do (Deadlines! Essays! A meteor is going to crash into the Earth and only you can save us!) but actually doing that important stuff is boring, or not any fun, or just kind of shit and you know what would be more fun? Wanking. Fuck responsibilites! Fuck that thing you need to do! Instead fuck… yourself!

Spend all that physical and mental energy on wanking. Students tend to fall particular prey to this – I remember the exchange:

“How are you getting on with that essay?”

“Well, I’m five wanks in.”

“Oh, you must be nearly done, then!”

Who says universities aren’t home to dizzying intellectual conversation? This is a particularly high-risk (yet equally compelling) wank, often resulting in sore genitals and a pile of un-done work.

Re-usability is an important factor in procrasturbation – you want a favourite with minimal fuss and maximum enjoyment. Godemiche’s Ambit (that’s the UK link – here’s the link to buy from the US) has a great sweet-spot hitting shape and is pretty to look at, so you can focus on the glittery toy rather than whatever else it is you’re supposed to be doing.

You could also try the Tenga Flip Hole (my personal fave). Here’s a link to buy the Tenga Flip Hole in the US.

The Danger Wank (Aka ‘The hazards of self-love’ aka ‘Tick Tock’)

The Danger Wank is wanking when in close proximity to others, or when at risk of discovery.

I mentioned I was writing about these to a friend of mine, who told me about her experiences with them on a Buddhist meditation retreat. On meditation retreats, she said, you build up a lot of energy and one of the ways it manifests itself is getting absurdly fucking horny. Like, ‘drooling over the other retreatants while you silently eat your breakfast orange’ levels of horny. The official line is to refrain from sexual activity because the energy buildup helps you to go deeper into meditation. But let’s face it – most Londoners are categorically incapable of that. On my friend’s first retreat, the accrued tension got so bad that she had to sneak off into the wilderness to have to wank on day 3 of 9 but has foregone the practice on subsequent ones because they’ve all been in winter, and freezing one’s clit off in the woods whilst self-loving in is not her idea of a good time.

There’s also the ‘Hard Mode’ version that exists where shortly before achieving climax you call for the attention of a consenting loved one, and have to finish (and clean up) before they arrive – great for risk-takers and exhibitionists.

For the danger wank you want something fast and efficient, like the business wank, but also discreet. The Tenga Egg is a great penis-focused toy for this sort of wank (here’s the US link to Tenga sex toys) which has the added bonus of letting you dispose of the evidence all at once.

For a less phallocentric recommendation GotN herself recommends this dinky Rocks Off bullet vibe (US link to Rocks Off bullet).

This concludes the first volume of the Wankonomicon : but fear not, more types of wank and things you can use to have them are on their way!

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