Image by the excellent Stuart F Taylor
Hooray for Valentine’s Day sex! The sex that you might enjoy, but equally might be worrying you’re doing just because it seems like the right thing to do on February 14th! Or boo for Valentine’s Day sex! The sex that you really want to have, with someone nice, who doesn’t seem to have materialised yet because the world is annoying like that. Whether you’re planning a blowout kinky sex fest, or aiming to ignore the day completely, I have some sex toys and other treats to recommend you, because I am a sex blogger and it’s my literal job.
I try not to do too many posts on here that basically just boil down to ‘buy stuff!’ because I know they are often boring. But equally, I have to do some posts that boil down to ‘buy stuff’ because without the awesome companies that pay me ad money, I wouldn’t be able to keep this blog running. The following recommendations are all things I genuinely like, because I don’t let people advertise with me unless they sell stuff I actually like, but they’re also mostly from sponsors/affiliates, because I need to make money and that’s why I do these posts.
OK, boring stuff out of the way: what do I think you should buy for Valentine’s Day?
Off Beat masturbator
If you find traditional masturbators a little tricky to clean or if you, like me, enjoy watching all the jizz squirt out of the end of one, then you should get yourself an OffBeat. It’s a pure silicone masturbator (rare!), it comes in a whole range of beautiful colours, and if I could own one of every single colour in the range I totally would.
It’s also ridiculously cheap – you can get a small one for £20 or a larger one for £25, and if you use the code GOTN you’ll get 10% off.
OffBeat Standard (a range of cool bright colours)
OffBeat Pearlescent (swirly patterns and my favourite finish)
OffBeat UV (which glows in the dark – woo!)
An Eroticon Anthology
It’s nearly time for Eroticon – wooo! Once a year, a whole bunch of eager erotic creative types get together in London to share their knowledge and experience, and sometimes get a bit pissed. It’s great fun, and if you – or someone you know – wants to get into sex writing (or sex blogging, or sex toy reviewing, or anything vaguely in that area) then you could do a hell of a lot worse than buying an Eroticon ticket for Valentine’s Day. You can hear me talk about building traffic, and hear cooler people talking about even more exciting things.
But I appreciate that ‘people who want to be sex writers’ is a bit of a niche, so if you don’t fall into that category how about buying one of the Eroticon anthologies instead? There have been two so far – Identity and Truth – both are collections of true stories, erotic fiction, poetry and other writing from attendees of the Eroticon conference. And they make great books to read aloud to lovers while you’re lounging naked on the sofa.
I’m cheating by including this, because it’s not quite on the consumer market yet. But if you want to treat yourself to Valentine’s Day sex toys and you have time to save up a bit of cash, I reckon this is a worthy addition to your list.
The AXIS is a brand new ElectraStim control pack – the bit of the equipment that allows you to adjust the intensity and pulse of the tingly electricity that you’re using to stimulate your partner. See how this works in a post I wrote about having an electric vagina. What’s fucking amazing about this unit, though, as opposed to the one I tried out before, is that this one gives you loads more different ways to control the output. Gestures – so you can wave your hands at it to increase the intensity, proximity – so you can deliver more power just by moving it closer to your partner, and my absolute stone-cold favourite: voice control! Yep, you can set it to be controlled by voice, meaning whoever is hooked up to it (Me me me!) can get zapped even harder if they squeal. FUCK YES.
AXIS will retail for £349, and although it’s not available just yet, you can click through to that link and hit the orange button to get notified when it’s available. Can’t hurt to register, right? When it does go on sale, you can get 10% off all ElectraStim stuff using the code GOTN10.
Body spray that smells like mini eggs
This has nothing to do with any of my sponsors, and everything to do with the fact that I LOVE the smell of mini eggs. I recently told the story on Twitter of how my partner went on a hunt to find a perfume that smelled like mini eggs, then surprised me with it when I least expected it. It was adorable, and although it’s not 100% relevant to a Valentine’s Day sex toy post, it was romantic enough that I’d feel like a twat if I didn’t mention it. Read the full story here, or pick up So…? Vanilla Body mist from Boots.
A week of sexy cruising
If you follow me on Twitter you’ll know just how much I keep banging on about Temptation Holidays. The bottom line is that I really want to go on a sexy holiday, and I am in the process of trying to save a bit of cash and work through some stuff with my partner so we’re both confident enough to take the plunge and book it. Temptations – who sponsor my site – run a whole bunch of different trips/resorts/cruises, which are essentially like your average holiday except they have lots of extra additions for the eager-to-fuck. Play rooms, clothing optional areas, kinky parties, and other likeminded people all donning swimwear (or doffing swimwear, as the case may be) alongside you.
Check out all the different holidays Temptations sell, and see if they take your fancy too. You might run into me while you’re there, but I won’t tell you which one I am unless we fuck.
24 Carat Doxy Die Cast
Yeah, I’m doing this. I usually try to recommend things that are cheap, but seeing as I have already recommended the Doxy, the Doxy number 3, the Don by Doxy, and all the Doxy number 3 attachments, I thought for this gift guide I’d push the boat out and let you know that you can buy a Doxy that’s finished in ACTUAL GOLD. So not only can you wank yourself blind in the classiest manner known to humankind, you can probably melt this down for tradeable precious metals in the event of a no-deal Brexit.
And if you use the code GOTN15 you’ll get 15% off anything on the Doxy site, saving a massive £150 on this, and a decent chunk off everything else.
Do you want to turn your (or a partner’s) vagina into a vibrating sex toy? Well, this is the THING for you. It’s a small, c-shaped vibrator designed to sit just inside your vag, with the external vibrator resting against your clit. The first time I used it I struggled to get it in, because wrangling a jumping, rumbling sex toy into your orifices is more of a challenge than you might initially think, but once it was in there and my partner slid his dick in, I could measure how successful the exercise was by how big and wide his eyes got. I believe the first words out of his mouth were ‘holy shit.’ For me, as a regular connoisseur of vibrations, I found it pleasant and enjoyable. For him, who is less used to things vibrating even as they envelop his cock, it was very nearly miraculous.
Grab a Satisfyer Partner from SexToys.co.uk for £44.95, and use GOTN10 for 10% off.
Hot Octopuss sex toys
I’m not going to recommend you any specific Hot Octopuss toys here, because they’re all great and each of them has had an individual write-up on this blog before. If you want a hint, the one I’ve used most often recently is the Atom Plus (and holy FUCK does that thing give rock-solid, delightful-to-bang-with erections) but any and all of them are worth a go, in my opinion.
Rather than recommend specific Valentine’s Day sex toys, I’m just going to ask you to go to their website and take a look around. This is a company that I’ve worked with for about two years now. I work with them more closely than anyone else – at the moment I run their Twitter and Facebook, but I also sometimes write blog posts for them, collaborate on web copy, or giggle with them over fun ideas for interesting press stunts and promotional campaigns. They’re fucking great. Like, really great. As a freelancer, this life can sometimes seem quite fragile – you worry that if you don’t do everything exactly how a client wants, they could ditch you. You rarely get the opportunity to have genuine input into business or strategic decisions, because you’re not on the ‘proper’ pay roll. And you miss out on cool things like training and development because… well, why would someone train and develop a freelancer?
This isn’t the case with Hot Octopuss. This is a company that supports its staff – including freelancers like me. They have given me training, supported me when I have struggled with mental health issues or last-minute family emergencies, listened to and implemented my advice, and encouraged me to raise concerns where I have them. They also, of course, make fucking excellent sex toys.
Go check them out and buy stuff if you like the look of it.
Lubido hybrid lube
Someone pointed out to me recently that I don’t often recommend lubes. It’s partly because I feel lube is such a staple that me recommending it as a gift is a bit like me recommending you stock up on bread, milk or condoms. But still. For what it’s worth, this is the lube I tend to use most often – it feels good, is water-based (so safe to use with all my sex toys), and currently it’s on offer at SexToys.co.uk so you can get three of them for £20. Then 10% off with GOTN10. Have at it!
System Jo H2O lube
I was recently given some of this to sample, and it’s brilliant. But I’m buggered if I can explain why, or compare it to other things, because I tend to just slap a load of lube on and enjoy it without really focusing on the subtle differences between recipes. Still, it’s getting a mention here because it’s the lube I used for a fuck the other night where I lubed up my partner’s cock, spread my cunt really wide, and invited him to stab me viciously with his massive, slippery, shiny erection. And it did the job perfectly.
Bijoux nipple covers
These are adorable, easy to use and hot as fuck. Basically they’re stick-on nipple pasties. Way cheaper than some fancy bra or basque, and just as sexy.
Get these Bijoux nipple covers from Harmony.
Free stuff to do on Valentine’s Day!
If you can’t afford to splash out on Valentine’s Day sex toys, there’s loads of cool stuff you can do to entertain yourself instead.
My newest sponsor – Wylde Desires – offers experiential erotica, which essentially means you close your eyes and listen as you get talked through a sexy fantasy or experience. I wrote recently about my first time listening to experiential erotica, and if you fancy giving it a go visit the Wylde Desires website – the first few stories you listen to are absolutely free, then you can pay a small membership fee if you’d like to hear more.
On top of this, there’s always the ‘get reacquainted with your old sex toys’ tactic. I wrote recently about how to plan a night of kinky sex – because life often gets in the way and it’s hard to say ‘let’s put down the special sheets and do some nudie wrestling’ when it’s Wednesday night and you’re knackered and you have work tomorrow. Well, if there’s one thing Valentine’s Day is good for, it’s providing a decent excuse to get stuck into some fun. Block the evening out in your diary, write a list of all the things that are normally too adventurous to squeeze in between Netflix box sets, and have yourself a night of debauchery.